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I never wanted to be the favourite

I never wanted to be the favourite

I had heard the phrase so many times…’oh she’s a momma’s girl, he’s such a momma’s boy’ and felt very ambivalent towards the phrasing. I know that there are many mommas out there who feel a special twinge and a fullness that comes from being the ‘one’ their child needs to get through daily transitions but for me, 99% of the time I feel smothered by it. When my daughter was going from infancy to toddlerhood I remember being asked ‘so who’s the favourite?’ and I remember being

Just do it

You know those Saturday mornings – the lazy ones where you let the television occupy your toddler? Where you ply them with snacks and juice just so you can SIT and surf social media and have some downtime? But you know when you do this and it hits you…You’ve got those hornies and haven’t had a good pony ride in at least a couple weeks? You look over at your husband who has been fighting a morning rod for the past hour, all disheveled, and comfy looking in his Roots track pant

How to touch your vagina after giving birth

How to touch your vagina after giving birth

What I learned is that it’s not something you should do….at any point, no matter what weird masochistic inclination might be nagging at you to check your shit out, I beg of you…don’t do it. It will haunt your dreams. There are a few universal truths in life…paying your taxes blows, you will watch The Shawshank Redemption every time it’s on tv, and never ever touch your vag within 1 week after giving birth…possibly 2 if you’d like to avoid a panic attack that a small pudgy w

F U Pinterest!

F U Pinterest!

Last year leading up to Christmas, my husband and I were working hard to pay off our debts, and with Jingle bells soon approaching, it was time to get creative and economic with our gift giving. Christmas is the most ridiculously expensive time of the year. What better way to be thoughtful and economic than with homemade fudge? What’s the best Christmas present that you can send to EVERYONE on your list that’s made by the kids with love? Fantastic, delicious, ol’ reliable fud

Just jump in, the water's warm!

Just jump in, the water's warm!

It was January 2015…and I was in hell. I rotated between rocking a screaming baby, trying to feed a screaming fussy baby and snipping at my young daughter. Lather, rinse, repeat. Seriously…..lather, rinse, repeat. Pile on top of that frigid Northern Ontario weather, a small business struggling to survive it, and you begin to get the picture. My husband and I were in a miserable place. Rendered miserable by the months of stress compounded by lack of sleep, stresses from both o

Dump Truck! He said Dump Truck!

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? My very well-spoken two year old has had some doozies, but the worst thing he’s said to date has to be Dump Truck. Not long ago we were out shopping as a family at a local Winners. G-man was in the cart and we were perusing shoes down an aisle when a woman turns the corner towards us pushing a stroller containing a cute little boy (also a toddler), holding a MASSIVE toy Dump Truck. There was nothing special about the woman or child, o

Things new mommas need to know (that no one will tell you!)

Your bladder is going to be in seriously bad shape…if that baby comes out your vag…don’t be hard on yourself about it. It’s going to happen. Two days after I had my daughter my husband starting recounting my birth stories and was taking some liberties with the material. Well it was funny shit and I realized my bladder was a fucking mess when a 2 foot perimeter was saturated in piss and there was not a damn thing I could do about it…except grab for my newborn daughters spare b

Little Mermaid

Little Mermaid

Parenting is full of surprises. I feel like I’m always learning something new. Like the other day, I learned a hot tip for potty training: line the bottom of those little potties with toilet paper and water for the inevitable number 2 that will land in there and not want to wash away easily, despite the jet engine force of the water that you will spray into it. If only I had known this prior to my futile attempt… Let’s rewind a little here. My daughter C has recently disc

Pancakes, Anyone?

Pancakes, Anyone?

This past weekend, I spent most of it sick with a brutal head cold, chills, and sinus congestion. ‘Tis the season – and it happens to me every year around this time, without fail. On the flip side, my daughter C did use the potty all weekend! We may almost be finished with pull-ups. Woot woot! My hubby recently got me a great book to celebrate some big changes in our lives. This actually may be my most favourite thing he’s ever given to me. The book is: The Subtle Art o

T'was the Day after Christmas

We ate, we drank, we…yakked. Yeah. So I haven’t hosted Christmas in a while, generally hosting hasn’t been conducive to our situation in the last couple of years so I just haven’t. This year however, my parents, hubby’s dad, and my brothers came for Christmas supper on Christmas Eve (my family spending the night), and my two little boys had a blast. Remember my vid on Christmas Eve? I had a blast too, prepping our feast and getting the house ready. Lots of wrapping and cleani

Shameless

How many times have we heard a woman say “oh, I’ve given birth, I have no shame.” It’s true, right? I mean really, once a person has gotten thatclose to your vagina and helped a human, or just watched a human come out of it, there really is nothing else left to the imagination right? No. There really is nothing else that could put you out of your comfort zone anymore. So under the umbrella of this topic I have two stories that brought me personally WAY out of my comfort zone

Bad Moms Resume

Things don't always go as planned

Things don't always go as planned

I’m not a big advocate of the “birth plan”. I mean, how can you possibly plan something that you ultimately have no control over? Planning or envisioning certain details makes sense to me, like what you’re okay with, and how you’ll advocate for yourself; other than that, you kind of have to go with the flow. When I was pregnant with my daughter C, I remember being completely and utterly terrified of labour and delivery. Abnormally afraid. To me, it was one of the scaries

One step forward

One step forward

One step forward, two steps back. This pretty much sums up life, doesn’t it? Fuck, it’s frustrating. You know the saying “the straw that breaks the camel’s back”? Today, I was the Camel, and life was the straw that broke the camel’s back….just call me Alice….as in Alice the camel….Alice the camel has four humps…. Alice has learned her lesson over and over and over again; that when you’re a Mom you have to expect the unexpected. Alice replays cliche, trivial sayings in he

12 Tips to surviving the first 12 weeks!

12 Tips to surviving the first 12 weeks!

1 – Tell people to scram for the first few weeks. I think the general public has this perception that new moms just can’t wait to shove their new baby in all of your faces, like hey, I made this!! Yah ok, maybe after an adjustment period it’s nice to make some introductions but the first several weeks should really focus on you getting to know your new little human. No one needs to be a part of that. I found all it did was add on this pressure to make sure I came across like

A mom's quality time...

A mom's quality time...

Yes, going grocery shopping alone makes me THIS excited! You wanna know what Moms fantasize about? Now, now – before your mind goes to the gutter, let’s keep this G rated, people! In addition to being whisked away on vacation, being taken out to dinner, date night, uninterrupted bubble baths and long showers, hot coffee, getting a fantastic blowout, and sleeping in, we also fantasize about grocery shopping. Alone. Or any kind of shopping, really. At least that’s what I fantas

The thoughts every pregnant mama has

The thoughts every pregnant mama has

1 Sweat Why am I so sweaty? Seriously, I’m standing still and my armpits are soaking wet. No effort is being exerted. Yet the sweat persists. 2 – Skin What is up with my complexion? Why is my face all red and splotchy? And why all the sudden breakouts? My skin looks mad. Cover up is a must. 3 – Cellulite I have accepted the cellulite on the back of my thighs. Why, now, is there cellulite on the FRONT? Why?? And will it ever go away? 4 – Hair You’ll look in the mirror and p

The Every Morning Shuffle

The Every Morning Shuffle

Mornings at our house are really something else. I’m trying to think of the best way to describe them; words like whirlwind, chaos, disaster and exhausting come to mind. Yet, somehow, we manage to get through it every day relatively unharmed. My husband leaves for work very early, which leaves me solely responsible, alone and completely outnumbered, to get the kids out the door to school and daycare on time. One against four….the odds are definitely NOT in my favour. Let

Clever Pregnancy Clap Backs...a compilation!

Clever Pregnancy Clap Backs...a compilation!

Further to my most recent post: Mind your own body, I found a lot more hilarious pregnancy comebacks online. The sassier the better, really. I’ve compiled my favourites below, and here are links to the full articles from Pregnant Chicken: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three. Enjoy! ———————————— “You’re huge!” I know!! It’s like I’m growing a whole baby or something! Holy shit, you too! “Feeling fat yet?” Whoa, I was just going to ask you the same thing. How weird is that?! T

It's just like riding a bike (with no seat!!)...

It's just like riding a bike (with no seat!!)...

If there’s one thing I remember reading about pregnancy and childbirth it had to do with the obligatory ‘healing’ period before a penis should go anywhere near a vagina. If my studies had been accurate, a Thanksgiving turkey was going to violently exit my body…so what the hell further damage was an Oktoberfest going to do?! (Sorry about the food references, I missed lunch.) Well…then I gave birth, and I got it. The whole thing is so fucking traumatizing that no matter how tha

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The Bitter and the Sweet

The Bitter and the Sweet

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Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3...

How to touch your vagina after giving birth

How to touch your vagina after giving birth

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Things new mommas need to know (that no one will tell you!)

Things new mommas need to know (that no one will tell you!)

Nice to Mojito You!

Nice to Mojito You!

The feeling we don't discuss

The feeling we don't discuss

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