Is it just me, or have weekends gotten shorter??
I’ve been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately and I’m having trouble shaking it. I’ve been back to work for two weeks and my life has reached a new level of crazy town. It’s not bad. It’s not like we’ve had any major catastrophes. The kids all seem to be happy and adjusting well and, to be honest, barely even notice that I’m not around as often as I used to be. I, on the other hand, feel like I’m not doing a very good job, and it fucking sucks.
When I was at home I was rocking Mom-hood. I was organized, prepared, happy and rested. I had achieved a great balance in my life; I had some me-time built into my daily routine, I had dinners planned and prepared before the kids got home from school, I could stay on top of my housework throughout the day when baby boy slept, I could do all the running around and errands that I needed to do during the day, I could be attentive to my kids when they got home from school, and I could enjoy the precious moments that happen in our regular every day life. I was not in a rush, I was not ever bored, I felt fulfilled, I was comfortable and I was happy.
Working full-time, I feel like everything is always a rush. We rush in the morning to get ready for school and work, we rush to get home to make dinner, we rush to finish dinner so we can bathe the kids or help them with their homework or take them to whatever activity they have that day, then we rush to put them to bed so we can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. The worst part is that I’m so stressed out because we’re rushing all the time that I end up being short with my kids and yelling at them, and then feeling like an even bigger piece of shit. I feel like I’m rushing through my children’s lives….and they are growing up way too fast….and it’s killing me. I don’t want to rush. I just want to enjoy. I want to savour every moment. They are only little for so long. Right now they think I’m cool, and funny, and they want to hang out with me, but before I know it they’re going to be grown up and living their own lives and they’re going to be so busy rushing from commitment to commitment that they’re not going to have time for me.
I’m trying to have a positive attitude. I’m trying to put mind over matter. I am trying to tell myself that “this too shall pass”, that it’s just tough right now because I’m still trying to find my new groove and get into our new routine. I’m trying to slow down and let myself off the hook, but I’m overwhelmed and bummed out, and missing my babies and my mat leave.