The space between
This must be what happens at the end of all pregnancies, although I don't remember feeling quite so strongly about it when I was pregnant with C. I'm talking about the point in time where you are becoming so pregnant and uncomfortable that you just want the baby out!
The thought of being pregnant and uncomfortable for too much longer is the only way that women actually want to get the baby out – it’s as though birthing is a better alternative than continuing to be pregnant for what can feel like forever.
Yet at the same time you're not quite ready to have a baby join your family full-time in the outside world. Let’s face it – babies can be scary, especially if it’s your first one. It’s much easier when they’re still inside you. Is there a temporary “holding tank” place where new babies can go for a short time, until you feel like you’ve gathered yourself enough to go and collect them? I’m obviously not serious, but I have had these thoughts. It's such a weird in between space to be in and this is where I find myself lately.
My new normal is: feeling very full of rage, extra hormonal, itchy, and tired of getting up every two hours in the night to flip sides and piddle just a tiny, unsatisfying drop of pee. I’m finding simple things difficult, like getting out of bed/chairs/the car, walking up stairs, putting on shoes, and shaving my legs. I would like to be able to breathe comfortably again. And yet the thought of a having a helpless newborn in my care for everything is daunting.
I have a few friends that are pregnant right now with baby number two that also feel the same way as me, so that helps to make us all feel a little bit more normal. Does anyone ever feel completely ready for a baby to arrive? Everyone that I’ve talked to says no. What I do know is that I feel more ready for baby #2 than I did for baby #1, because I generally know what to expect this time. For the next little while I’m going to exist in the space between, and be ok with not knowing exactly what’s next.