And the fog lifted...
Remember my blog a while back called "don't be a hero, get some sleep"?
That post came at a time when I realized I was playing a dangerous game of trying to live life on no sleep after having two babies and being in a permanent state of new mamahood. I guess that old saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" applies here: to sleep.
For a time there, I was really worried that something serious was wrong with me. I would wake in a haze, not be able to think clearly during the day, and by 6pm be just absolutely exhausted. Small tasks would take an unimaginable amount of energy, and I can't tell you the amount of stupid mistakes I was making in all areas of my life. Sure I'm a perfectionist and planner by nature, so naturally I thought "maybe I'm just getting older and I don't have the focus I used to." But there were definitely some days where I was 100% concerned about my health degenerating rapidly.
But then something happened about 2 months ago. My youngest (I have two 3.5 and 1.5) started sleeping through the night on his own. Yep, we went a full year plus with both kids needing attention during the night, as kids do. Back to back, I had babies that needed night attention all the time, and I started working right after I had those babies, so I got little sleep and little rest, and yes - if you count sleep as being critical to health - my health did deteriorate! My sleep health went to the dogs.
That is until my baby started sleeping through the night.
I remember a conversation with my husband a little while ago "yeah you really seem to be in a better mood these days." Normally, a comment like that in the last couple of years would have infuriated me, because I felt like I was slowly fading into nothing just trying to keep up with tasks and daily life and doing everything on no sleep. It would piss me off because I resented the fact that yes, it was I that CHOSE to get up with the kids (I could have pawned a lot more nights off on him), but the reality was that I was more irritable than I've ever been before. No question. But on this occasion when he made that comment, I said to him "that's because I am in a better mood. I am starting to feel human again."
We didn't sleep train. Probably a mistake, but I let the boys get up as much as they needed while they were babies.
But with the return to some kind of routine around April, meaning going to bed, sleeping for at least 5 hours in a row (I am still a bad sleeper on my own, but it's no longer kids waking or alternating waking every 2-3 hours), my ability to concentrate on daily life started to come back.
I stopped forgetting EVERYTHING all the time. I could go to the grocery store and remember what I was supposed to get (sometimes, let's be real mom-brain never goes away). Putting the kids in the car didn't terrify me anymore (I honestly was operating so tired all the time that I would get nervous about making sure I was doing basic safety things like doing up their buckles, or falling asleep driving, were they even in the car yet? etc.)
The fog of babyhood and new mamahood- it had lifted.
We have lots of nights still where either of them is awake at some point for some reason, but gone is the time when that was every. Single. Night.
So that other post I wrote about the possibility of having a third kid some time?
Right now, my thoughts on that...
No. Goddamn. Way.