I'm not worthy
Ugh, today is one of those days where I feel as unworthy as a mom could. It actually took a while to come to that place…anger, frustration and perspiration came first. This morning was like the twelve steps for me. First step ‘come on buddy, let’s change our diaper and get dressed’, ‘step 2…ok now, please sit down’ step 3…negotiating ‘ok, do you want to stand up while we put on your diaper, or lay down?’ ….why did I ever start with a question…don’t I know the answer is always no?!
Step 4…bribery ‘you can have some gummies but you have to lay down and get dressed before you can have that’ (takes a swipe at mom’s cheek and takes off).
Step 5, 6, 7…chasing kid around house.
Step 8…temporarily give up and clean up breakfast. I’m so fed up with this morning that I can’t even muster up the brain power to complete steps 8-12. Basically it ended with me Macho Man Randy Savage-ing my kid onto the change table and seriously man handling the shit out of him to get him dressed while he screamed, kicked, protested and finally hyperventilated.
It ended with me sobbing on the kitchen counter while my 6-year old told me to take deep breaths as I do to her when her emotions take over. I felt so overcome and pathetic that a child could make me come unhinged like that.
It’s days like this when I sit in my seat, driving to work with my sniveling toddler in his seat and say to myself, you’re the worst. I shouldn’t even be a mom. I’m not good enough, I’m not patient enough, I’m too emotional, I’m not calm enough or don’t have enough child psychology knowledge. I tell myself how horrified parents who have a sick child or parents who have lost a child or people desperately trying to have a child would be at my behaviour. The list goes on and on.
Then I have to rally the troops and tell myself, yeah you’re the worst, but they’re stuck with you so get the fuck over it and vow to be better tomorrow, or this evening after a glass of wine. I know other moms have had this exact feeling and it sucks but at the end of the day, we’re doing our best, we love our kids like crazy and this is all the tough messy stuff that makes up a full life. I’ll continue trying to convince myself of the same thing tomorrow. Step 13…delude yourself, and keep alcohol on standby!