Me before him

My husband often asks me, where I think I would be now if we never met. I know exactly - you're probably familiar with the show Sex in the City? I'd be Samantha Jones. He laughs when I say this but it's the truth. Before I met the hubby, I was done with men. And I don't mean done as a result of a bad break up (which I'd been through), or done playing the games (which I'd played), or done because I was emotionally spent (I wasn't), I'd just gotten to point in my life where I was self aware and self sufficient and generally happy. I knew who I was, I did what I wanted to fucking do, I took pride in my job, I owned my house, I had my shit together. I didn't need a man to accomplish my goals or feel good about myself and I KNEW it. Just like Samantha Jones.

I was out partying and drinking and shagging whoever I wanted. And not in an attempt to get them to like me, or date me- simply because I wanted to get laid. I had come to that blissful point in my life where I could separate sex from emotion and it was glorious. I was old enough that there were no more clicks, or clubs or poses, no gossip- and if there was- I still didn't give a fuck. I was doing me. It was the most empowering time in my life hands down. I had marginally younger friends at this time, and they didn't get it- they were like Charlotte- always looking for Mr. Right. I would tell them to look for Mr. Right Now, but they just weren't there yet.

I had a friend with benefits around this time- I remember showing his shirtless picture to my friends and one of them said "Holy Christ, that man is the son of Adonis." And I'll tell you- he was fucking beautiful and I liked that about him, shallow as it sounds. He was a nice guy and we had good conversations about light topics but I never had any illusions of it being anything more. He was stellar in bed and cleaned carpet like a champ- and that was really all I cared about. We'd get together and get our rocks off a couple times a week and otherwise go our separate ways. It might sound slutty but you know what? I sincerely hope every woman has at least one experience like this and develops this mental capacity and sense of self awareness, because with it comes independence, confidence and satisfaction.

So if hubby hadn't come around- Yep- I'd be Samantha Jones.

Instead, I'm living the dream- married, mortgage, kid. It's equally amazing and I am equally the independent, confident woman I was before. In a way I could still be Samantha Jones- my kid totally found my vibrator (oops!). And sometimes I still manage to put my own needs first- I've left my child in his crib so I could shower or do my hair or shag my husband. I've also worked like a lunatic while I was on mat leave- baby on my boob style conference calls and spit up on my blazer type meetings. I definitely get less sleep than I would have in my alternate Samantha Jones universe but god dammit- I'm still fucking rocking it.