Sitting in my car this morning with my little guy as we’ve done thousands of times in the past and on this particular day, he is NOT (that’s him yelling not me) interested in BEING QUIET!!!! My son is excited about going back to school to play with his friends, annoyed that it’s taking me a long time to get my shit together and start the car, and sad because we’re not going to get Timbits right this minute.
My guy is a lot of things, all at the same time. And aren’t we all sometimes? You’re goddamn right we are – right now I am feeling one million emotions and in a minute that will change! Yet – because wee man is under three, instead of having an adult conversation with some other adults over a glass of wine about his problems, thoughts and insights, he’s got to sit in the car, perfectly silent, and wait patiently and quietly and nicely all while with a smile on his face….not for his own benefit, but mine. don’t I feel like a giant asshole for shushing him repeatedly. I know I don’t want it to be his voice that wakes up the neighbours, but then I realize: I care a lot about the neighbours sleeping in but I care even more that my little guy knows it’s ok to feel all of his feelings. Stifle, stifle, stifle. When I’m tired, when I’m over worked, when I’m just not feeling up to momming, it becomes very important all of a sudden to stifle the noise (which as you moms know, can be overwhelming sometimes). But that means that I’m not hearing him.
On this particular morning all he wanted was for mommy to talk to him because he couldn’t contain himself. And he still doesn’t have all of his words yet, so it was important for me to listen, and speak to him like he is my entire world… because he is my entire world. This little person I’ve created can’t communicate at the level he wants to and I have to remind myself that that is very frustrating for him at times. And although he has trouble communicating, because he’s still little, he’s a person too with person thoughts and feelings. And I need to remember that fact when I have these few moments with just him, just my little guy and I – because they are rare and important… and one day I’ll want to relive all of them.